I watched the scene unfold right before my eyes, while I remained a quiet spectator hiding in the shadows of my desolated apartment. It was a dreary evening, the sun had far descended and the luminous moon was rising. She slowly illuminated the rooftops with a soft silver touch of her gentle light. The city was asleep and I was dwelling in a sweet unrest. Yet, the scene I had just witnessed played itself over and over in my mind. Images floated before my eyes, whispers filled my head and dissected my soul. Will this burden ever leave my spirit? My heart felt heavy now and I remained idle, sitting behind the window, gazing upon the nightlife which displayed itself on the other side of the glass. The blackened windows of numerous grey buildings stared right back at me like the eyes of a corpse. Ironically, I felt like a mere skeleton – the shadow of a human being cast upon the wretched walls surrounding my frame. I know it sounds insane.
I saw my breath adhering on the window glass and some sadness took over. It took me back to the scenery of my youth which I adored so much. I could fancy myself among the rocky scenery again, visiting the lakes and walking along the rough paths that would certainly have lead me away from my fate – away from this life. The picturesque villages along the road always seemed to slumber, as if some unbreakable spell hung in the small streets. Timeless. Forever captured in this brittle fairytale, while the sublime mountain summits watched over the sky like an air force. However, I knew those blinding black walls would appear again when I opened my eyes. Often I did not even know for sure if they appeared when I opened my eyes or when they were closed still. However, I knew those silhouettes would reappear before my eyes – laughing. I could recall their voices, whispering through the bleak atmosphere. I could feel their gentle touch, like a cutting breeze against my skin. I opened my eyes in a flash – I felt frightened and quivered a little. The city lights became sharper now. Bright bulbs of white, yellow and orange dangled like puppets from the starry skies above. The edges were raw and pointy though. I was watching this play of light, focused on their movements, ignoring the existence of their hidden puppeteer.
For a moment the world was moving in slow motion. Next, there were two faces on the glass panes before me – one was set against the urban scenery before the glass and, on the other side, one was set against the mindscape inside my head. Their pale eyes unreadable. They were just staring at nothing – at the void behind my frame. Then I remembered. At times I found myself on the other side of the glass for a while, staring at the back of this face. Other times I found myself on this side of the glass, carefully captured in its gaze. Sometimes, I did not know for sure on which side I was – aghast.
The lights had died. I saw the treetops grabbing against the dark blue sky, trying to extinguish the last shimmers high above. They were out to get me too, were they not? No one answered – of course. It was like the voice inside my head had told me over and over again. I was not alone in here. Was I? One of the faces reflected on the glass panes again, it winked and grinned beautifully. Then I woke up in another life – remaining a spectator while my dreams and its sceneries unfold right before my eyes like a mindmap gone mad. When I was accustomed to the darkness around me, I thought I heard a faint voice in the distance saying:
“I know it sounds insane…”
And its breath adhered on the window glass right before my eyes.